23. The Lie of Either/Or: Learning to Live in the “Both/And”
Parenting culture loves certainty. It loves labels. It loves the belief that you have to pick a side:
You’re either a calm parent or the one who loses it.
You either love motherhood or you struggle with it.
You’re either grateful or overwhelmed.
This idea - what I call The Lie of Either/Or - quietly sabotages so many parents. It convinces us that only one feeling counts at a time, and if we’re experiencing the “wrong” one, something must be broken inside us.
But here’s the truth: your emotional world is not binary. It’s layered, complex, contradictory, and beautifully human.
You can be exhausted and energized.
Full and empty.
Overwhelmed and deeply grateful.
Invisible and profoundly seen.
These are not contradictions to fix - they are invitations to feel deeply and live more fully.
Why Parents Fall Into the Either/Or Trap
From childhood, we’re trained to simplify emotions:
“Are you happy or sad?”
“Do you like it or not?”
The world loves clear categories. And so we grow up believing that choosing one feeling - one “correct” answer - is the responsible thing to do.
In the physical world, opposites are clean and logical:
A light is either on or off.
You can’t be asleep and awake at the same time.
But the emotional world doesn’t work like that.
In the emotional world, there are no true opposites - only contradictions that coexist.
Happy and sad.
Proud and disappointed.
Grateful and resentful.
When we confuse “opposite” with “contradictory,” we start believing that two feelings can’t exist at once. And we carry that into adulthood… and into parenting.
A Preschool Story That Shows How Emotional Complexity Actually Works
Kids struggle to hold multiple emotions at once - their nervous systems aren’t quite ready for that complexity.
This year, one of my preschool students came up to me in tears, devastated because a friend had told her she “didn’t want to be friends anymore.” In five minutes, this sweet friendship collapsed over a flip-phone toy and a misunderstanding.
There was love. Hurt. Anger. Rejection. Confusion. Independence. Loneliness.
Their little bodies weren’t built to process all those contradictory feelings, so they lashed out at each other.
Together, we practiced emotional complexity. It sounded like:
“You love your friend AND it hurts your feelings when she says she doesn’t want to play.
You’re mad AND you miss her.
You love her AND you want to play with someone else sometimes.”
This is the foundation of emotional intelligence - learning that more than one truth can exist at once.
And parents? We are invited into that same space every single day.
Parenting Is Full of AND Moments
Real life is never either/or. Here are some of the most common “AND spaces” parents occupy:
- You’re at bedtime, touched-out and exhausted… and you still lean in for one more snuggle.
- You’re proud of your teen for speaking up… and worried about how it might affect them.
- You love weekends with your kids… and you miss the quiet of your old life.
- You adore your baby… and you grieve the freedoms you had before.
None of these cancel each other out.
None make you a bad parent.
They coexist because you are human.
When you stop trying to choose just one “valid” feeling, something shifts - you become more compassionate, more present, and more emotionally flexible.
Why Rejecting Either/Or Makes You a Stronger Parent
Living in the AND expands your capacity in powerful ways:
- You become more resilient, because you stop forcing yourself into emotional corners.
- You model emotional complexity, which helps your kids regulate their own big feelings.
- You stop rushing to fix emotions, and instead you learn from them.
- You allow yourself to be imperfect, without guilt or shame.
Kids who grow up seeing this don’t learn to shut down their complexity.
They learn that being human is not about choosing a single truth - it’s about holding the whole story.
How to Practice Living in the AND (Even If It’s New for You)
Here are four ways to begin breaking the lie of Either/Or:
1. Name Both Truths Out Loud
“I’m tired, AND I’m glad we’re here together.”
“I’m proud of you, AND I’m nervous about what comes next.”
2. Notice Your Body Cues
Sometimes your face is smiling while your chest feels heavy.
That’s your body holding multiple truths.
3. Breathe Before You Choose
In tense moments, pause and remind yourself:
“Both can be true.”
4. Reflect at the End of the Day
Write down your AND moments.
Over time, your awareness grows - and your nervous system rewires itself toward emotional flexibility.
A Personal Story: Grief AND Joy in Rome
A few Christmases ago, we took our teens to Europe - a dream trip I had imagined for years.
And it was… not great. At least not in the way I hoped.
Christmas Eve brought me to one of the lowest emotional points I’ve ever felt as a mother. I was overwhelmed, hurt, spinning in shame and insecurity.
But the next day - Christmas morning - we hit the streets of Rome. And it was magical. Beautiful. Bucket-list breathtaking.
It was also still painful. I was still hurting.
That day was both:
Grief AND joy.
Broken AND brave.
Too tired to go on AND ready to walk miles.
I look back at pictures now and see a woman holding both truths at once - and doing it beautifully.
Your Challenge for This Week
When your mind tries to label your day as “good” or “bad,” pause and ask:
What else is true right now?
You may find that frustration is sitting right next to gratitude.
That exhaustion walks alongside love.
That your heart can be breaking and healing in the same breath.
The lie of Either/Or keeps us small.
But when we step into the AND, we step into wholeness.
And when we choose wholeness, our kids learn they can, too.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney