3. How to Find Your Core Values (and Parent from Them)
Welcome back to The Parenting Lab! I’m so glad you’re here.
Today’s episode is one I’ve been so excited to share because it gets to the heart of something that can completely transform your parenting, your relationships, and even the way you see yourself.
We’re talking about core personal values - not the ones you were taught, not the ones society expects of you, but the ones that genuinely define who you are and who you are becoming.
When your parenting is rooted in your core values, everything shifts. Your decisions feel clearer. Your reactions feel more intentional. And your connection with your kids deepens in ways that feel organic, sustainable, and deeply grounded.
Let’s explore how this works - and why it matters so much.
Why Parenting Often Feels Chaotic (and What Values Have to Do With It)
Do you ever feel frustrated with your parenting decisions? Or notice that your expectations, boundaries, and reactions feel inconsistent from one day to the next?
Most of this confusion comes from being disconnected from your values.
Your values are the internal blueprint that guide what matters most to you. They shape your instincts, your beliefs, and your emotional patterns - even the unconscious ones. When you’re clear on your values, your parenting suddenly has direction and coherence.
Your expectations have purpose.
Your reactions have intention.
Your decisions support a larger vision.
Values create a foundation to stand on when the inevitable storms of parenting arrive.
Personal Values vs. Moral, Social, and Religious Values
Before we go deeper, let’s clarify something important:
Core personal values are not the same as cultural, religious, or social values.
Moral & Social Values
Things like:
- honesty
- fairness
- respect
- cooperation
- equality
These help us function in society and help our kids learn how to be part of a community.
Cultural Values
Such as:
- manners
- respecting elders
- preserving heritage
- collective belonging
These connect us to our history and our communities.
Religious Values
Character-oriented teachings like:
- humility
- charity
- modesty
- sacrifice
These shape personal character and moral development.
These values are meaningful - but they are mostly handed down through family, community, culture, or faith.
Core Personal Values
These are different.
Core values are the ones that you choose.
They are defined by your unique identity, life experience, insight, and desire for growth.
They might include:
- empathy
- independence
- creativity
- fun
- peace
- adventure
- loyalty
- authenticity
- discipline
- curiosity
These values don’t come from outside expectations.
They arise from within you.
And they evolve as you evolve.
I’ve had parents go through a 12-week coaching program and come out on the other side with an entirely different set of core values than the ones they started with. That’s the beauty of values - they’re fluid, responsive, and reflective of your growth.
How Values Shape Real-Life Parenting Moments
Let’s take a moment we’ve all experienced:
your child is having a meltdown in the grocery store.
Your instinct might be:
- frustration
- embarrassment
- wanting it to stop
- wanting to hide
- wanting to give in
- wanting to hurry out
But what if - instead of reacting - you asked:
What is most important to me right now?
Your answer will determine your response.
If your core value is peace
You may focus on calming the environment - whispering soothing words, offering connection, or redirecting with gentleness.
If your core value is empathy
You might kneel down, name their feelings, validate their experience, and help them move through the emotion, even if people are staring.
If your core value is obedience or structure
You may remove them from the situation to enforce boundaries calmly and consistently.
None of these values are wrong.
What matters is the alignment - responding in a way that honors what matters most to you.
When your actions match your values, parenting feels more centered, peaceful, and intuitive.
When they don’t?
You feel disoriented, inconsistent, and disconnected from your intentions.
A Real Story: When “Fun” Became a Parenting Compass
I once worked with a mom who deeply valued fun.
In her home, fun shaped their rituals, their adventures, and their family culture.
But she found herself constantly frustrated by her child jumping on the couch - it felt like disobedience, and her reactions were sharp, not fun.
She couldn’t understand why this kept bothering her so deeply.
The truth?
Her reactions were out of alignment with her values.
She wanted a fun household…
yet her responses to fun (in a boundary-crossing way) weren’t playful at all.
So we reframed the situation:
How can you respond in a way that honors your value of fun while still upholding the rule?
Her solution was beautiful.
The next time he jumped on the couch, she:
- scooped him up
- tickled him
- laughed with him
- reconnected
- then calmly redirected him to a safer, high-energy activity
The couch stayed intact.
The boundary stayed intact.
Her value stayed intact.
This is what it looks like when your parenting is aligned.
Why Family Values Matter Too
If you share parenting responsibilities with a partner, you may have different core values - and that’s not a problem.
In fact, it can be powerful.
One parent may value structure.
Another may value creativity.
Together, you build a family culture where both structure and creativity thrive.
Family values don’t need to be identical.
They need to be intentional.
Creating them together:
- reduces conflict
- improves communication
- brings clarity to expectations
- helps kids understand what your family stands for
When everyone knows the family’s shared values, the home gains direction and identity.
How to Identify Your Core Parenting Values
This process requires honesty - deep, compassionate honesty.
You can’t choose values because they sound good or because someone told you they’re “correct.”
Values must be yours.
Here are 10 reflection questions to help you uncover what matters most:
- What kind of parent do I want to be?
- What values from my childhood do I want to continue - and which am I ready to release?
- What qualities do I admire most in others, and why?
- How do I want my child to feel about themselves?
- What emotional environment do I want to create in my home?
- What are my non-negotiable boundaries, and how do I want to uphold them?
- What kind of family culture do I want to build?
- What traditions or rituals matter to me - and why?
- What is the most important lesson I want to model daily for my child?
- In what moments do I feel most proud of my parenting?
Sit with these.
Journal.
Discuss them with your partner if you have one.
I’ll also link my Core Values Worksheet, part of my mini-course on connecting values to boundaries, rules, and expectations. It includes:
- a comprehensive values list
- guided exercises
- a step-by-step process for identifying your top three core values
When you’re clear on your top three, everything else snaps into focus.
Putting Your Values Into Practice
Once you know your values, you can begin weaving them into everyday moments:
- decisions
- discipline
- communication
- expectations
- boundaries
- routines
- family culture
Values make parenting feel less chaotic and more confident.
Less reactive and more intentional.
Less about perfection and more about alignment.
Final Thoughts: Your Values Are Your Legacy
Parenting doesn’t have to be guesswork, or perfectionism, or a cycle of triggered reactions.
When you’re rooted in your values:
- you know why you do what you do
- you show up more clearly and consistently
- you create a home that reflects your deepest intentions
- you build a legacy your children will carry with them
Your core values are your compass.
They guide your choices.
They shape your relationships.
They define the emotional climate your child grows up in.
I hope today’s conversation helps you reconnect with what matters most to you - and that you carry those values into your parenting in a way that feels authentic, grounded, and deeply aligned.
If you enjoyed this episode, I’d love for you to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who would benefit.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney
Don't forget to grab your FREE Core Values Worksheet!