54. Treating vs Fixing vs Healing: Why Parenting Advice Only Goes So Far
If you're like most parents, you've probably searched for parenting advice at some point - maybe a lot.
How to handle tantrums.
What to say when your child won't listen.
How to stop sibling fighting.
How to respond without yelling.
There are endless scripts, step‑by‑step guides, and strategies designed to help you fix specific parenting challenges.
And many of them really do help.
But if you've ever felt like you're doing all the "right" things… and still running into the same struggles over and over again - you're not alone.
Because there's an important distinction that often gets missed in parenting:
The difference between fixing, treating, and healing.
And understanding this difference can completely change how you experience parenting.
The Headache That Keeps Coming Back
Sometimes I get headaches.
Not the kind that completely knock me out… but the kind that sit behind my eyes… or wrap around the back of my head… and slowly make everything in my day feel harder.
So when I get one, I do what most of us do.
I take a pill.
Usually, it works.
Within 30 minutes, the pressure starts to ease. Within an hour, I feel better. I can move on with my day.
But here's the thing.
The headache often comes back.
Because the pill didn't change my caffeine habit. It didn't hydrate me. It didn't lower the volume of my students' voices. It didn't ease financial pressures or improve my sleep the night before. It didn't calm my nervous system.
The pill treated my headache… but it didn't heal what was causing the pain.
And I'm grateful for that pill. I love the relief it gives me in the moment!
But I've also started noticing something else.
When I drink more water… when I sleep better… when I step outside… when I reduce stress… when I slow down…
The headaches become less frequent.
Not because I'm managing them better.
But because I'm healing what's underneath them.
And parenting works the same way.
The Parenting World Is Full of Fixes
If you've spent any time researching parenting, you've probably noticed something:
There are a lot of solutions.
Scripts.
Step‑by‑steps.
Do's and don'ts.
Formulas.
Strategies designed to fix behavior.
Try this.
Say this.
Follow these three steps.
Use this framework.
And here's the important part:
These tools are not bad.
In fact, they can be incredibly helpful.
When you're overwhelmed, triggered, or exhausted, having something concrete to reach for can make a big difference.
These tools can:
- De‑escalate conflict
- Help you respond more calmly
- Offer structure
- Reduce short‑term tension
And those things matter.
But over time, many parents notice something:
The same problems keep showing up.
The same arguments.
The same triggers.
The same patterns.
The same feelings of frustration and disconnection.
Even when you're using the "right" strategies.
That's when many parents start to realize:
Maybe the goal isn't just to fix the moment.
Maybe the deeper work is understanding why those moments keep happening in the first place.
The Three Layers of Change in Parenting
Through my own parenting journey and working with parents, I've noticed three layers of change:
- Fixing
- Treating
- Healing
All three have a place. But they create very different kinds of change.
Layer One: Fixing (Changing Behavior)
Fixing focuses on what we can see - behavior.
Your child is hitting their sibling… so you separate them.
Your child refuses to get ready… so you create a reward chart.
Your child talks back… so you implement a consequence.
Your child melts down in the store… so you leave.
These are fixes.
And sometimes they're necessary.
They create structure, safety, and boundaries.
But fixing focuses on the outside - without always understanding the deeper need.
Because behavior is communication.
When we only fix behavior, we may stop the hitting… but not understand the frustration.
We may stop the back‑talk… but miss the disconnection.
Fixing changes what happens externally - but not always what happens internally.
And that's where treating comes in.
Layer Two: Treating (Supporting the Experience)
Treating goes deeper.
Instead of only focusing on behavior, we support emotions and regulation.
This might look like:
- Validating feelings
- Sitting with your child
- Co‑regulating
- Helping them calm down
- Offering connection
Your child is melting down… and instead of correcting immediately, you sit beside them and help them regulate.
This is powerful.
Your child learns:
- Emotions are safe
- Someone is with me
- I can calm down
But sometimes… even with treating… patterns still return.
Because treating supports the moment - but may not address why the moment keeps happening.
And that's where healing comes in.
Layer Three: Healing (Restoring Wholeness)
Healing is where the deepest transformation happens.
And healing isn't just about your child.
It's about you.
Healing looks like:
- Understanding your triggers
- Exploring your childhood experiences
- Repairing attachment wounds
- Nervous system regulation
- Self‑compassion
- Reparenting yourself
As you heal, something shifts.
You react less intensely.
You pause more easily.
You see your child with more compassion.
You respond instead of react.
Often, you don't need as many scripts.
Because you're not just changing what you do - you're changing who you are in the relationship.
And children feel that.
They feel your calm.
Your presence.
Your safety.
Your authenticity.
That's when parenting starts to feel different.
Fixing changes behavior.
Treating supports the experience.
Healing transforms the relationship.
When Parenting Is Really About You
One of the biggest realizations in parenting is this:
So much of parenting isn't actually about parenting.
It's about us.
Our triggers.
Our fears.
Our expectations.
Our nervous systems.
Our past experiences.
A child doesn't listen… and we feel disrespected.
A meltdown happens… and we feel embarrassed.
A child pulls away… and we feel rejected.
Small moments… big internal reactions.
When we begin healing, those reactions begin to shift.
Not because our children suddenly change - but because we experience their behavior differently.
We have more space.
More patience.
More compassion.
More curiosity.
Healing doesn't make you a perfect parent.
It makes you a more aware one.
Fixes Still Matter
This doesn't mean we stop using strategies.
Just like we still take a headache pill sometimes - we still use parenting tools.
Because parenting is hard.
There are seasons of exhaustion, overwhelm, and survival.
Tools can help us get through those moments.
Healing takes time.
It's not linear.
And while healing happens, we still live in real moments with real children.
So we use the tools… while also doing the deeper work.
Over time, as healing happens, we often find we need fewer fixes.
Because we're not just managing behavior anymore.
We're changing patterns.
The Real Goal of Parenting
The goal isn't to abandon all the "pills" - the strategies, scripts, and fixes.
The goal is to understand their role.
Fixing changes behavior.
Treating supports the experience.
Healing transforms us.
And when we heal…
We show up with more presence.
More capacity.
More connection.
More authenticity.
And that's where real transformation begins.
Because parenting isn't just about raising children.
It's about growing ourselves… right alongside them.
What This Means For You
If you're finding yourself stuck in the same parenting patterns, it may not be because you're doing it wrong.
You may just be trying to fix something that needs healing.
And healing takes time.
But every moment of awareness… every moment of compassion… every moment of repair…
Is part of that process.
You're not just fixing behavior.
You're building connection.
You're breaking cycles.
You're creating something new.
And that work matters more than any perfect parenting strategy ever could.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney