42. You Know Better… So Why Is It Still So Hard to Change?
Understanding the Four Stages of Healing and Why You’re Not Behind
If you’re trying to change - your reactions, your patterns, your parenting - it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind.
You might catch yourself thinking:
“I should be further along by now.”
“Why am I still struggling with this?”
“Other people seem to heal faster than I do - what’s wrong with me?”
If those thoughts sound familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re probably not failing.
What you’re experiencing isn’t a lack of effort or commitment. More often, it’s a misunderstanding of how healing and learning actually work.
Healing isn’t linear.
Learning isn’t linear.
Transformation isn’t linear.
And when we expect it to be, we end up judging ourselves for being human.
In this post, I want to offer you a different map - one that brings clarity, permission, and compassion to the process of growth.
Why Healing Feels So Discouraging
Many of the parents and clients I work with are deeply committed to growth. They read the books. They listen to the podcasts. They reflect on their triggers and patterns.
And yet, they feel discouraged.
They believe healing should move in a straight line. That once awareness arrives, change should follow quickly. That if they still get triggered, overwhelmed, or reactive, then something must not be working.
But growth doesn’t unfold that way.
When we don’t understand the pattern of healing, we turn normal stages of learning into personal failures. We blame ourselves for being imperfect instead of recognizing where we are in the process.
This is where the four stages of competence can be incredibly helpful.
The Four Stages of Competence as a Map for Healing
Originally developed as a learning model, the four stages of competence offer a grounded, compassionate way to understand change - especially when it comes to healing, nervous system regulation, parenting, and emotional growth.
Rather than a ladder you climb and never return to, this framework helps us see growth as cycles - or even better, spirals.
You can be in different stages at the same time:
- Regulated and confident at work, but reactive at home
- Healed in one relationship, but struggling in another
- Clear about your values, but unsure how to live them consistently
None of this means you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re living.
As you read through the stages below, I invite you to ask not “Where should I be?” but “Where am I right now?” - without judgment or urgency.
Phase One: Unconscious Incompetence (Living on Autopilot)
Unconscious incompetence is the stage where we don’t know what we don’t know.
This is our default way of moving through the world:
- Automatic reactions
- Learned coping strategies
- Inherited beliefs about parenting, relationships, and ourselves
Much of this is shaped by conditioning - our families, culture, and early environments that taught us what was safe, expected, or allowed.
This phase often feels comfortable.
It feels normal.
It feels like “this is just how things are.”
Even when it’s not healthy.
Even when it’s not working.
Even when it’s costing us something.
In parenting, this might look like reacting the way you were parented without questioning it. Believing that behavior equals character, or that compliance equals respect, or thinking, “I’m just a yeller - that’s who I am.”
Being in this phase does not mean you are broken. It means you are adapted. These patterns once made sense. They helped you survive, belong, or stay safe.
We don’t leave this phase because we’re bad.
We leave because something calls us to awareness.
Phase Two: Conscious Incompetence (Awareness Without Skill)
Conscious incompetence is where healing truly begins.
This is the stage where you now know something isn’t working - but you don’t yet know how to do it differently.
You notice your triggers.
You hear your tone.
You recognize old patterns playing out in real time.
And yet, you don’t have the skills fully online yet.
This is why this phase often feels worse than before.
People in this stage often say:
- “I know better, but I still react.”
- “I can see what’s happening, but I can’t stop it.”
- “I feel like I’m failing more now than I used to.”
That’s not failure.
That’s awareness without skill.
This stage can feel overwhelming, lonely, and discouraging. It’s also where people are most likely to quit - because it’s uncomfortable to see clearly without knowing how to change yet.
But this is also where support matters most.
Healing was never meant to be a solo process. Podcasts, therapy, coaching, courses, books, and community exist not because you’re broken - but because humans don’t rewire alone.
Awareness is progress.
Naming the problem is healing.
Even when it doesn’t feel like it yet.
Phase Three: Conscious Competence (The Work of Healing)
As awareness meets support and tools, we move into conscious competence.
This is where you know what needs to change - and you’re actively practicing change.
You pause before reacting.
You check in with your body.
You manage routines, hydration, rest, and boundaries.
You notice the urge to react - and choose something different.
This is where nervous system regulation becomes a practice.
Where parenting becomes intentional.
Where self-compassion becomes something you have to remember.
And yes, this phase can be exhausting.
Change takes energy.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does this still feel so hard?” - this is probably where you are.
Effort does not mean it’s not working.
It means you are actively rewiring patterns built over years - sometimes generations.
This is embodied work. And over time, something begins to shift.
Phase Four: Unconscious Competence (Integration and Transformation)
Unconscious competence is where change becomes integrated.
The things that once took so much effort begin to feel natural.
- Your nervous system settles more quickly
- Your boundaries feel clearer
- Your reactions soften
This is what real transformation looks like.
Not perfection.
Not never struggling again.
Not being “done.”
But having new defaults.
Having trust in yourself.
Having increased capacity.
And here’s the truth: none of us reach unconscious competence in every area of life - and we’re not meant to.
Healing Is a Spiral, Not a Straight Line
Growth doesn’t move neatly from phase one to phase four and stay there.
It’s more like nested circles, each spinning at its own pace.
You might reach integration in one area and be called back to awareness in another. Increased capacity often creates space for deeper growth.
Sometimes these transitions feel exciting.
Sometimes they feel painful.
Sometimes we resist them completely.
There are seasons where everything feels manageable - and seasons where we need to put some things down.
That’s not regression.
That’s wisdom.
Returning to awareness doesn’t erase your growth. It builds on it.
You Are Not Behind...You Are Becoming
Healing happens in small steps:
→Awareness.
→The work of healing.
→Transformation.
Over and over again.
Not so we can become perfect parents or perfectly regulated humans - but so we can live with more intention, compassion, and trust in ourselves.
If you’re feeling discouraged, pause and ask:
- Where am I becoming more aware?
- Where am I practicing something new?
- Where has something already become easier?
You are not behind.
You are becoming.
And your process is unfolding in exactly the timing it needs to.
A Gentle Next Step
If you’re in a space of new awareness and conscious choice - and you want support to guide your progress - I recommend starting with The Parenting Lab Series, Lab Three: Setting Your Intentions as an Empowered Parent.
This lab helps you:
- Clarify your core values
- Identify the default patterns that are keeping you on autopilot
- Define the kind of parent you’re becoming
So your growth has direction instead of pressure.
You can find it at theparentinglab.org
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney