50. Growing Good Timber: A Metaphor for Resilience
As parents, one of our strongest instincts is to protect our children from struggle.
When they feel frustrated, embarrassed, disappointed, or left out, something inside of us immediately wants to step in and make it better. We want to smooth things over, fix the problem, or remove the discomfort as quickly as possible.
But what if some of those uncomfortable moments are actually an important part of how children grow?
A short poem by Douglas Malloch captures this idea beautifully:
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.
Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees,
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.
When we look back at our own lives, we often see how challenges shaped us. The moments that stretched us, frustrated us, or forced us to figure something out helped build our strength and resilience.
Yet when it comes to our children, the instinct is often the opposite: we want to remove the wind.
The question is not whether we should help our children. Of course we should.
The real question is how we help.
Why It’s So Hard to Watch Our Kids Struggle
Part of the reason our child’s distress feels so urgent has to do with the way our nervous systems are wired.
Humans are biologically designed to respond when children are upset. When a child cries, becomes frustrated, or feels overwhelmed, our brain interprets that signal as something that requires immediate attention.
In many ways, this is a beautiful system. It keeps children safe and strengthens the parent-child bond.
But our nervous systems don’t always distinguish between true danger and ordinary discomfort.
So when a child struggles with something that’s actually a normal part of growing up - like frustration with homework, conflict with a friend, or disappointment when things don’t go their way - our body can still react as if it’s an emergency.
On top of that, our child’s struggles can stir up our own memories.
Many parents carry emotional echoes of their own childhood experiences:
- Feeling embarrassed at school
- Feeling overwhelmed and unsupported
- Being criticized or shamed for mistakes
When our children face similar situations, those memories can quietly activate inside us.
Without realizing it, we may be responding not only to our child’s discomfort, but to our own past experiences of struggling alone.
This is why the instinct to fix things can feel so powerful.
But sometimes the most helpful question we can ask ourselves is:
Is my child actually in danger right now - or are they in the middle of a challenge that might help them grow?
Supporting vs. Rescuing: A Key Parenting Difference
When children struggle, parents tend to respond in one of two ways.
Rescuing
Rescuing means removing the discomfort as quickly as possible.
This might look like:
- Stepping into a conflict between friends immediately
- Intervening with teachers too soon
- Fixing mistakes before the child works through them
- Preventing disappointment altogether
Rescuing often comes from love - but it can unintentionally prevent children from building resilience.
Supporting
Supporting means staying emotionally present while the child moves through the challenge.
Instead of removing the problem, we help them face it.
Support might look like:
- Sitting with them during homework frustration
- Listening as they talk through a friendship conflict
- Acknowledging disappointment without rushing to solve it
In other words, we become the steady presence beside them.
Rescuing removes the wind.
Supporting helps the roots grow deeper.
What Trees Can Teach Us About Resilience
There’s a fascinating real-world example that illustrates this idea.
In the early 1990s, scientists built a massive sealed ecosystem in Arizona called Biosphere 2. The goal was to replicate Earth’s environment inside a controlled space.
Inside were rainforests, deserts, farmland, and thousands of plants and trees.
At first, everything seemed successful. The trees grew quickly and appeared healthy.
But as they grew taller, something strange happened.
They began to fall over.
After careful investigation, scientists realized the problem wasn’t the soil, water, or nutrients.
It was something much simpler.
There was no wind inside the biosphere.
In nature, trees sway in the wind almost daily. That movement signals the tree to strengthen its trunk and deepen its root system.
Without that stress, the trees grew tall - but structurally weak.
Without wind, they simply couldn’t stand.
The same principle applies to children.
Growth without challenge doesn’t always create strength.
It’s the small moments of effort, frustration, and perseverance that help children develop the emotional roots they’ll rely on later in life.
Not constant storms.
But enough wind to help them grow strong.
How the Nervous System Builds Resilience
From a nervous system perspective, resilience develops over time through manageable challenges.
Psychologists often refer to the Window of Tolerance, which describes the range where a person can experience stress and emotion without becoming overwhelmed.
When children stay within this window, they can:
- Think clearly
- Problem solve
- Stay connected to others
When children experience manageable stress with supportive adults nearby, their nervous system learns important lessons:
- I can handle hard things.
- Frustration passes.
- I can solve problems.
- I’m not alone.
Over time, these experiences expand their window of tolerance.
But if every challenge is removed immediately, the nervous system may learn something different:
- This feeling is too much.
- Someone else needs to fix this.
- I can’t handle this.
Resilience grows when children experience challenge paired with connection.
The wind may be present, but the tree isn’t standing alone.
The Parent’s Inner Work
Once we understand that challenge can be healthy, the real question becomes:
Can we tolerate the discomfort of watching our children struggle?
Often, the hardest part of parenting is regulating our own nervous system.
When our child is frustrated or upset, we may feel anxious, urgent, or compelled to fix the problem quickly - sometimes for our own relief as much as theirs.
But when we pause and become aware of that impulse, we gain more choice in how we respond.
We can:
- Notice the urge to fix without acting on it immediately
- Take a breath before stepping in
- Remind ourselves that discomfort is not the same as danger
Sometimes the wind our children need for growth is the same wind that activates our own old fears.
In those moments, parenting becomes an opportunity for our own healing and growth too.
What Supporting Looks Like in Everyday Parenting
In real life, the difference between rescuing and supporting often shows up in small moments.
Homework frustration
Rescuing might mean jumping in and solving the problem.
Supporting might mean sitting beside your child and saying,
"This looks really frustrating. Let’s take it one step at a time."
Friendship conflicts
Rescuing might mean immediately contacting teachers or other parents.
Supporting might mean listening first and helping your child think through possible solutions.
Learning new skills
Frustration is part of learning to ride a bike, play an instrument, or try something new.
If we remove the challenge every time frustration appears, the message becomes:
This feeling means we should stop.
But if we stay present while they work through it, the message becomes:
This is hard - and I can keep going.
Those moments slowly build confidence and resilience.
Raising Strong Kids in a World Full of Wind
Parenting isn’t about eliminating every struggle from our children’s lives.
It’s about helping them grow strong enough to face challenges with confidence.
Children don’t need a perfectly calm environment.
They need deep roots.
They need someone steady beside them when the wind blows.
Someone who listens when they’re hurting.
Someone who believes in their ability to work through something difficult.
Someone whose calm presence helps them find their footing again.
Because the wind itself isn’t the enemy.
Sometimes the wind is exactly what helps the roots grow deeper.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney
🧘🏼♀️To learn more about your nervous system, enroll in Lab Five: Regulated (part of the Transformed Series)