51. The Truth About Triggers
What if the trigger isn’t actually the problem?
We use the word triggered all the time.
“I was so triggered.”
“My kids trigger me constantly.”
“That really triggered something in me.”
And while it’s important that we’ve normalized talking about emotional reactions, there’s a subtle shift that’s happened in how we use that word.
We’ve gone from saying:
“This brought something up in me”
to:
“This caused my reaction.”
And those are not the same thing.
Because when we believe the trigger is the reason everything fell apart, what we’re really saying is:
“If that hadn’t happened, I would have been fine.”
But that’s not actually how it works.
Why Triggers Aren’t the Real Problem
If triggers were the problem, everyone would react the same way to the same situation.
But they don’t.
Two parents can experience the exact same moment -
one responds with calm and curiosity…
the other feels overwhelmed, reactive, and flooded.
Same trigger. Completely different outcome.
So what’s the difference?
It’s not the trigger.
It’s:
- The meaning it hits
- The history it touches
- The state of the nervous system it moves through
Your reaction isn’t created by the trigger.
It’s revealed by it.
The Trigger vs. The Reaction: A Powerful Analogy
Think of a trigger in the context of a firearm.
The trigger itself doesn’t cause the damage.
It simply initiates a sequence of events.
The real impact comes from the internal mechanics - the system already in place.
Your nervous system works the same way.
Your child not listening.
The whining.
The mess.
The tone.
Those are triggers.
But what determines your reaction is everything happening inside of you:
- Your nervous system state
- Your stress levels
- Your past experiences
- Your emotional capacity
The trigger is the entry point - not the outcome.
What’s Actually Happening in Your Nervous System
When something happens, your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or threat.
This process is:
- Fast
- Automatic
- Protective
If something feels overwhelming, disrespectful, or out of control, your body shifts into a stress response:
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
- Fawn
Your heart rate increases.
Your muscles tense.
Your thinking brain goes offline.
This is what’s often called “flipping your lid.”
And in that state, you’re not choosing your reaction - you’re reacting from protection.
What Is a “Hair-Trigger” Response?
In firearm terms, a hair trigger means the slightest pressure can set it off.
The system is highly sensitive.
The same is true for your nervous system.
When you’re:
- Overwhelmed
- Overstimulated
- Emotionally depleted
- Carrying unprocessed stress
Your system becomes more reactive.
Small things feel big.
The shoes on the floor.
The whining.
The sibling conflict.
It’s not just the moment - it’s the lack of capacity in your system.
How to Know If You’re Triggered
Being triggered doesn’t always feel obvious.
It often feels justified.
But here are some signs to look for:
1. Your reaction feels bigger than the situation
You later think: “That escalated quickly…”
2. There’s urgency
You feel like you need to fix or stop something immediately.
3. Your body shifts
- Tight chest
- Clenched jaw
- Increased heart rate
- Heat rising
4. You lose access to your calm self
Patience, empathy, and clarity disappear.
5. It feels familiar
Like you’ve been here before.
Because you have.
Triggers and the Inner Child
Sometimes your reaction isn’t just about what’s happening now.
It’s about what the moment represents.
Triggers often connect to:
- Past experiences
- Unmet needs
- Early emotional patterns
In simple terms: your inner child is being activated.
Your nervous system remembers what it felt like to be:
- Ignored
- Dismissed
- Out of control
- Unseen
So a small present-day moment can feel much bigger.
Responsibility Without Shame
This is where many parents get stuck.
They think:
“I shouldn’t react this way.”
“I need to be better.”
But here’s the truth:
Responsibility is not the same as blame.
You are not to blame for being triggered.
Your nervous system is doing its job.
However:
You are responsible for what happens next.
And that’s where your power lies.
How to Stop Overreacting: Creating a “Trigger Lock”
The goal isn’t to eliminate triggers.
It’s to change your response.
1. Build Awareness
Notice when activation starts:
- “I feel triggered”
- “My body is tense”
2. Create a Pause
Even one breath can interrupt the reaction.
3. Regulate Your Body
- Slow breathing
- Grounding
- Sensory awareness
4. Increase Your Capacity
Long-term regulation matters:
- Rest
- Emotional processing
- Meeting your needs
5. Repair When Needed
You will still get triggered.
What matters is what you do after.
The Real Work of Healing
Triggers aren’t the enemy.
They’re signals.
They show you:
- Where your system is overwhelmed
- What still needs attention
- Where healing can happen
You don’t need to eliminate triggers.
You need to change your relationship with them.
Final Thoughts
The trigger isn’t what causes the reaction.
It’s what reveals it.
And when you shift your focus from controlling what’s happening around you…
to understanding what’s happening within you…
everything changes.
You stop feeling out of control.
You stop blaming the moment.
You start responding with intention.
Because the real power isn’t in avoiding the trigger.
It’s in what you do next.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney
If you're curious about YOUR nervous system, click HERE to purchase Lab Five of the Transformed Series - Regulated: The Science of Safety & The Nervous System