After 21 years of parenting, I’ve spent a lot of time looking back - not only at the moments I’d happily relive, but also the ones I wish I’d handled differently. I used to get stuck in the If only I had… spiral. Over time, I started noticing a pattern: many of my regrets fell into five familiar moments.
We get these moments wrong because we’re human. We’re tired, worried, carrying our own histories, and trying hard to help. The mistake doesn’t have to be the end of the story. We can notice what happened and return to our child.
Five moments we often get wrong
1. We try to make our child feel better too quickly. When they’re disappointed or hurt, we reach for reassurance and solutions. But “It’s not a big deal” can land as “You shouldn’t feel this way.” Sometimes our child needs us to sit with them before we offer advice: “That really hurt. Do you want to tell me more?”
2. We assume we know why they did it. An eye roll can feel disrespectful; a lie can make us fear the worst. But behavior doesn’t always mean what we think it means. We can stay curious while still holding a boundary: name what happened without turning it into who our child is.
3. We teach before anyone is ready to listen. When a child - or parent - is overwhelmed, a lecture usually adds more heat than understanding. “Help first, teach later” can mean taking a pause and returning to the conversation when you’re both steadier. The key is to come back.
4. We let the audience shape our response. A public meltdown or awkward moment can make us worry about what other people think. That embarrassment may push us to be harsher than we’d be at home. We can address what needs attention while protecting our child’s dignity, then reflect later on how we responded.
5. We expect our child to apologize and overlook our own part. Their behavior may need to be addressed, and our reaction may need repair too. We can say, “It wasn’t okay to hit your brother. It also wasn’t okay for me to yell. I’m sorry.” Taking responsibility for our part doesn’t erase theirs.
Repair is a way back
Repair doesn’t require a perfect script or speech. Once you’re calm enough to talk, name what you did, apologize without adding “but,” and say what you want to practice next time. Then give your child room to respond. They may not be ready to forgive or talk right away; the apology is still yours to offer.
You might say: “I’ve been thinking about what happened. I yelled, and that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry. We still need to talk about what happened, but I want to do that more calmly. You don’t have to talk right now. I’m here when you’re ready.”
Knowing these five moments won’t make us perfect. We may still react too quickly or realize later that we missed what our child needed. Growth can look like noticing sooner, bringing less intensity, or finding our way back a little faster. And repair doesn’t have an expiration date.
If there’s a moment you wish you could redo, you can still return: “I don’t like the way I handled that. I’m sorry. Can we try again?” That return matters.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney
