We often talk about development as something that happens while we’re growing up. We move through childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, and then it can seem as though all that becoming is behind us.
Parenting has made me question that.
For many of us, parenting keeps asking us to grow. It brings us face to face with how we respond when we’re tired, worried, or not in control. It asks us to care deeply for another person while making room for them to become someone separate from us. And as our children change, the relationship changes with them.
Parenting is more than a role
A role is about what we do: the responsibilities we carry and the ways we’re expected to show up. Those things matter. But when I think about parenting only as a role, I can get caught asking, “How well am I doing?”
Thinking of parenting as a stage of development invites another question: “Who am I becoming through this relationship?”
I sometimes describe parenting as a fifth stage of development. I don’t mean that parenthood is a formal stage everyone is supposed to reach, or that it’s more important than any other path. I mean that parenting can be one way we continue to grow - learning about ourselves through the experience of loving and relating to a child.
We can’t learn all of that in advance. Books and advice can offer guidance, but they can’t fully prepare us for the joy, exhaustion, uncertainty, and depth of living inside the relationship.
Every stage asks something different of us
When children are babies, parenting may ask us to surrender sleep, routine, and some sense of control. We might discover how much we can give, even when we feel unprepared.
The toddler years can bring us face to face with our expectations and our own childhood experiences. We may notice that a child’s big feelings stir up a strong response in us before we’ve had time to think.
As children move into the wider world, we begin to share our influence. We learn to trust what we’ve built when we’re not in the room and to feel the difference between helping and rescuing.
Adolescence asks us to stay connected as our teens turn toward their friends, opinions, and futures. With adult children, the relationship shifts again. We move from managing to relating - asking instead of telling, listening without needing our perspective to be followed, and letting them own their choices.
These stages don’t happen in a neat sequence, and they don’t affect every parent in the same way. But they remind me that our children aren’t the only ones changing. We are changing alongside them.
Growth takes intention
Parenting doesn’t automatically make us wiser. We can move through years of experience without pausing to consider what those experiences are asking of us.
Growth starts when we’re willing to reflect: “Why did that hit me so hard?” or “What is this moment showing me?” It also asks us to be open to being changed. Sometimes the way we’ve always done something isn’t working anymore, and the next step may be for us to try a different way of showing up.
That kind of reflection takes capacity. It can be difficult when we’re exhausted, isolated, or simply trying to get through the day. If you’re in a season where all you can do is survive, that doesn’t mean you don’t care about growth. It may be information about what you need - rest, help from another adult, a friend who listens, or professional support.
Our children can show us where we might want to grow, but the work is ours to hold. They aren’t responsible for healing us or reassuring us that we’re good parents. We can take what a moment brings up to someone who can help us carry and understand it.
Becoming happens in joyful moments, too
Personal growth through parenting doesn’t only come from struggle. It can happen when we laugh with our children, notice the person they’re becoming, or rediscover a sense of play and wonder through their eyes.
Sometimes we find out we can be braver than we thought. Sometimes we realize we like who we are when we’re with them. Those moments count, too.
Parenting asks us to give, sacrifice, and let go. It also invites us to keep becoming. When I’m feeling like I should have all the answers, I’m trying to ask myself: “What is this season showing me?” and “Who am I becoming through this relationship?”
Maybe you could sit with those questions, too. Not to judge how you’re doing, but to notice how you’re growing—one season, one relationship, one moment at a time.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney
