25. Why You're Bad at Self-Care (And How You Can Fix It)
Most parents think they’re practicing good self-care…
but what they’re actually doing is self-maintenance.
And there’s a big difference.
In this week’s episode of The Parenting Lab, we dig into why so many of us feel exhausted, disconnected, or overwhelmed - even when we’re “doing all the right things.” If you’ve ever felt like you’re checking every box but still not feeling better, there’s a reason for that.
Let’s talk about it.
The Problem Isn’t You - It’s the Kind of Care You’re Practicing
Before we go any further, here’s the truth:
You are not bad at self-care because you’re lazy, inconsistent, or undisciplined.
You’re “bad” at it because you’ve been taught the wrong definition.
Most of what the internet calls self-care is actually self-maintenance.
And while maintenance is important - and absolutely necessary - it’s only half the story of what a nourished, grounded, emotionally alive parent needs.
Self-Maintenance: The Things That Keep You Functioning
Self-maintenance is everything you do to keep your body and life running:
- Eating healthy
- Going to therapy
- Working out
- Getting a haircut
- Cleaning your house
- Drinking water
- Getting enough sleep
- Booking medical appointments
- Following routines
These things matter.
You need them.
And they feel good!
A workout gives you energy. A haircut boosts your confidence. Good sleep makes you nicer to literally everyone.
Here’s the key:
👉 Self-maintenance is predictable. It works every time.
You always feel better after a shower, a nap, or a checklist moment.
That’s how you know it’s maintenance - not care.
Self-Care: The Things That Bring You Back to Life
Self-care, on the other hand, is much harder to define because it isn’t a routine - it’s a response.
Self-care is what makes you feel alive again.
It:
- reconnects you to yourself
- restores your energy
- brings you back into alignment
- nourishes your inner world, not just your outer one
- shifts your emotional state
- reminds you that you are human
Self-care can look wildly different from one day to the next:
- Laughing until you cry
- Laying on the floor and letting grief move through your body
- Saying “no” to something you normally agree to
- Coloring, dancing, singing, or creating
- Driving in silence
- Turning your music up so loud you feel it in your chest
- Sitting under a blanket and staring at the wall
- Stepping outside barefoot just to breathe
There is no checklist for self-care because:
👉 Self-care is intuitive, not scheduled.
👉 Self-care changes based on your emotional needs.
What brings you back to life today may not be what you need tomorrow.
This is why people feel inconsistent or “bad” at self-care - you’re trying to treat something dynamic like it’s something predictable.
Real Examples: The Difference in Real Life
Let’s make it clear.
A hot bath:
Maintenance.
Works every time. Clears your mind. Relaxes your muscles.
Letting yourself cry in the dark for twenty minutes because your body is begging for release:
Self-care.
You don’t plan for it.
You don’t schedule it.
But afterward? You feel more honest, grounded, and connected.
Another example:
Getting eight hours of sleep:
Maintenance.
Letting yourself sleep in because your soul feels bruised and your body needs gentler pacing:
Self-care.
See the difference?
Why Social Media Gets It Wrong (and Makes You Feel Like You’re Failing)
Most “self-care” lists online look like:
- Get a massage
- Go on a weekend trip
- Hire a babysitter
- Visit a spa
- Buy yourself something nice
Those things are beautiful when accessible - but for most parents, they are expensive, time-consuming, or not realistic.
So what happens?
You feel like self-care is out of reach.
You feel like you’re too busy or too broke or too tired to “do it right.”
But here's the truth:
👉 Real self-care doesn’t cost money.
👉 It costs honesty.
👉 It costs attention.
Your soul doesn’t need a spa day.
Your soul needs presence.
Why Some Parents Burn Out Even When They’re Doing “Everything Right”
Some of you are fantastic at maintenance.
You keep the routines.
You check the boxes.
Your life is organized…
…and yet, emotionally? You’re running on fumes.
That’s because you’re maintaining your life but not caring for yourself.
Here are signs you're stuck in maintenance-mode:
- You feel restless when you’re not busy
- You feel guilty when you play or rest
- You’re productive but not nourished
- You’re tired, even though you take care of the basics
On the other hand, some people are great at self-care but avoid maintenance:
- You’re intuitive and creative, but your life feels chaotic
- Your body is exhausted
- You avoid the “boring” tasks that keep you stable
- You’re emotionally aware but physically drained
Both extremes can lead to burnout.
The goal isn’t to choose - it’s to balance.
So How Do You Fix Your Self-Care? (4 Simple Steps)
Here’s where everything changes.
Step 1: Pause and Ask
“What do I actually need right now?”
Not what worked before.
Not what the internet recommends.
Not what seems practical.
What does your body, mind, or soul need in this moment?
Step 2: Experiment
Self-care is surprising.
Try something and notice:
Did it bring me back to life - or did it just help me function better?
Step 3: Balance Maintenance + Care
If you’re strong in maintenance, add one intuitive practice this week.
If you’re strong in self-care, add one foundational habit.
Just one.
Step 4: Release the Guilt
This is the hardest part.
Real self-care:
- won’t look productive
- won’t fit neatly on your calendar
- won’t always make sense to others
- might feel indulgent
But it is necessary.
Not optional.
Not frivolous.
Necessary.
The Real Reason You’re “Bad” at Self-Care
You were never taught the difference.
You learned:
- to be productive
- to push through
- to stay busy
- to keep the peace
- to manage everything
- to meet everyone else’s needs
You were not taught:
- how to listen inward
- how to meet your emotional needs
- how to rest without guilt
- how to follow your intuition
- how to come back to life
But you can learn.
And you deserve to.
Final Thoughts: You Need More Than Maintenance. You Need Care.
So let’s return to the question:
Why are you bad at self-care?
Because no one ever taught you the truth:
Self-maintenance keeps you functioning.
Self-care brings you alive.
You need both.
My hope for you this week is this:
Pay attention.
Name the difference.
Practice both.
And give yourself permission to stop just surviving your life - and start actually living it.
You need it.
You deserve it.
♥ Your Parent Coach, Brittney